This is likely to be an exceptionally long entry so bear with me. I think I’ll just put up a Lewis quote and expound on it…that way I can separate it by paragraphs. I’m only going to be dealing with the Friendship chapter here:
Pg 58 (in my book) “Friendship is—in a sense not at all derogatory to it—the least natural of loves; the least instinctive, organic, biological, gregarious and necessary.”
- I agree 100%
Pg 60 “It has actually become necessary in our time to rebut the theory that every firm and serious friendship is really homosexual.”
- yeah that makes me angry too C.S. Lewis
Pg. 61 “Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.”
I wouldn’t go so far to say that this book is solely for men’s reading but I’ve noticed that Lewis is really writing to the male population here. I’ve noticed that the way in which Lewis talks about “lovers” in this chapter is similar to the way some women think friendships should be like. In other words, I think many women are much more interested in having friends more than just being friends. Two men could stand on a boat in the middle of a river casting their fishing rods all day long without talking about much other than food or fishing and be perfectly content, even elated! Two women could be baking Christmas cookies together in a kitchen all day and not be able to go 5 minutes without asking the other how their relationship with so and so was doing or what they thought or felt about something. The difference is marked. Granted there are some women that don’t do that…some women in fact, would rather be out there casting rods with the men and smoking cigars. Personally, I’d like a woman somewhere in between…haha. But I really like the way Lewis makes this distinction between lovers and friends. Lovers enjoy standing still and soaking each other up. Friends enjoy the forward movement of a journey and soaking up the experience.
Pg. 63 “This Companionship is, however, only the matrix of Friendship. It is often called Friendship, and many people when they speak of their “friends” mean only their companions.”
This is common I think. In fact, I don’t think many people really experience true Friendship in the sense that C.S. Lewis talks about it. “Friendships” seem to be rather superficial to me. It’s more a gathering just for the sake of an activity. You get friends together after work and you go to a bar or club because you deserve it and you get drunk and you go home. Or you like to play soccer or volleyball, so you go every week and kick the ball around and go home. It doesn’t seem to have that journey aspect to it. Also, as Lewis goes into later, circles of friends get so watered down that it becomes a “coterie just for the sake of a coterie”. And that coterie eventually loses it’s purpose altogether. My question I guess is this: is it enough that we have Christ in common? Is it enough that we have reading of books in common? Come to think of it, I’ve really only had like 1 or 2 of the Lewis type of friends my entire life. And those friendships were based on bad common interests back in middle school. I guess I’ve always been some kind of a loner. I certainly have affection and companionship with many people…but I don’t know about Friendship. C.S. Lewis says “that few value it because few experience it.” In Christian circles, I think it’s easy to fall into the watered down friendships. We all want to be nice to everyone so we call everyone our friend and invite everyone in. But I don’t think that’s true Friendship. Christians especially say, “Well you don’t have to like him, but you have to love him.” Transposed to Lewis’ outline, I think the “liking” is Friendship and the “loving” is Affection.
And so it makes me wonder often why people want to be my “friend”…girl or guy. Is it because they share a love for music and they want to talk about that or rather do it!? Is it because they love books and they want to read with me? Or is it because I’m a nice guy? Or is because they want Eros with me? I think I’ve remained kind of a loner because I never felted I needed or wanted anything from anyone. My parents were my “friends” till I realized I had different interests than they. When I tried to branch out, I realized that most guys were jerks…so then I switched to the ladies. But then you can never tell whether she’s your friend or wants to be your lover! So the complications persist.
Pg. 66 “The man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance can be our Friend. He need not agree with us about the answer.”
So, what do I feel is of great importance? Umm…the development of Christian maturity, pure and holy living, music, communication through speech and discussion, nature, sincerity and purpose, humor and adventure, Lord of the Rings. Well that’s pretty broad.
Pg. 67 “Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had: to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision.”
Truly that is an accurate statement. I completely agree with that. Lewis also hit on a word that maybe helps me with the whole Friendship thing—vision! Perhaps my true Friendships will come out of shared vision on top of shared interest. I’ve talked to probably hundreds of people about different books and movies. And they all say, oh I love this movie or that book and so on. But, if they don’t share the vision that comes out of that movie or that book, then we can’t get beyond companionship. If you honestly read through LOTR and don’t come to new conclusions about faith, life, and love and you can’t communicate that with me, than we have all the sudden lost something. Someone that has Affection for me could sit through me talking for two hours about Frodo and Sam’s relationship in the books and say “That’s nice Aaron, good insights.” But someone that has Friendship with me could sit and talk with me about Frodo and Sam’s relationships for two hours and we could challenge and grow in our understanding of faith, life, and love and of course, ourselves.
This is why I think that people who are going to be married need more than Affection and Eros. Certainly, with Eros, it is easy to have an erotic relationship with someone. And definitely, with Affection, you can overlook a person’s fault and love them all the same. But with Friendship, you have a whole world of vision and possibility which overflows from the marriage and infects people. Certainly the most obvious tie-in would be the shared interest in creating a God-honoring marriage. Imagine a marriage in which not only both the Lover and his Beloved believe in Christ, but believe in the relentless sharing of Christ with nonbelievers and believers alike (a missions-based marriage is born). Or imagine a Lover and Beloved who both love to read spiritual growth books and Christian non-fiction (a small group leadership team has just been birthed). I believe that desiring someone who relates to you in more than just sex and caring affection is key to a purposeful marriage. People say that opposites attract…well they may attract, but what holds them together?…
Well I haven’t even gone through half the chapter…but I’ll save the rest for later, this is already too long! Oh yeah...of course, as you can tell by the length, this is Aaron. | 
